


love is war, I'm your soldier (touchin you like it's our first time)

by holbywolfe



Category: Holby City
Genre: 189 words of Bernie/Marcus smut, 209 words of Serena/Robbie smut, 5+1 Things, Even more smut, Eventual Smut, F/F, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation (sort of), Phone Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Shameless Smut, a little Bernie/Alex, i warned you, i warned you again, so much masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-01-04 09:48:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12166488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holbywolfe/pseuds/holbywolfe
Summary: 'No one will know,' she tells herself as she pulls her vibrator out from her bedside table. 'No one will know you got yourself off thinking of Bernie Wolfe.'Or, the five times Serena gets herself off thinking of Bernie and the one time she doesn't have to.





	1. love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs

**Author's Note:**

> As some of you may be aware if you follow me on twitter, (holbywolfe), my beta is on holiday without her laptop so this is unbetad! Hence any errors. If you find any big ones please let me know and I'll fix it. Otherwise, enjoy this piece of pure sin.

**_one._  **

 

It’s her designated night alone. Jason is at Alan’s every Wednesday and Elinor will no doubt be off partying into the early hours, and even if she wanted to see her Serena would arrange for her to come another night. Tonight, she wants to spend alone.

 

The moment she walks through the door she feels the tension start to lift; the pressure in her shoulders leaving her as she shucks the coat from her arms, as soon as she pulls off her scarf.  
  
Pulling out the leftovers from last night from the fridge and putting it into the microwave, she allows herself to think briefly of Bernie. She almost regrets being so harsh on her about Jason, and Serena hardly ever regrets anything she says.

 

 _If this microwave could just hurry the fuck up,_ she thinks. She’s hungry, but she’s also incredibly _horny_ , something she can thinks she can put down to hormones, for now. She just about resists the urge to turn off the microwave and take care of the mess that is no doubt in her knickers and have dinner later, but then she registers that the microwave is beeping, signalling it’s finished.

 

“Thank god,” she mumbles to herself, pulling out the risotto and grabbing a fork from the drawer. Every time she takes a step towards the stools at the kitchen island, her clit throbs, and when she sits down, the seam of her pants provide just a modicum of the pressure she wants – _needs._

 

The risotto is just as good as it was yesterday, but she barely tastes it in her haste to finish dinner, and she leaves her bowl and fork on the island (something Jason would _despise._ )

 

Two stairs at a time is quicker, and she’s found from previous nights like this that it rubs her clit just that little bit more. She shuts the bedroom door behind her, leans back against it and breathes a deep breath out. She knows it will only take a few strokes of her clit to get her off, she’s been so desperate for this since she gave Bernie that massage earlier, but that’s not something she wants to think about now. No. Now, she shucks her blouse and singlet, then shimmies her pants down her legs until she’s left in her underwear. She takes off her bra next, then knickers, and she slides naked under her duvet, her right hand going straight to her clit, with no hesitation. Her clit is _so_ sensitive, and she is _so_ wet, and it’s almost too much, but her need for pleasure overcomes her, and with a few hard strokes of her clit she comes, harder than she can ever remember coming before, and before she knows it she’s stroking her clit again and then coming again, this time coating her fingers and no doubt her sheets with wetness.

 

Normally, one or two orgasms would be enough, but today something is different, and her mind fleets to blonde hair and toned muscles before she can stop herself.

 

 _No one will know,_ she tells herself as she pulls her vibrator out from her bedside table. _No one will know you got yourself off thinking of Bernie Wolfe._

 

And during her third orgasm of the night, with a vibrator inside her and her own fingers rubbing her clit, she finds herself thinking of Bernie.

 

 

_**two.** _

The trauma unit has just opened, and as chaotic as the ward is, she finds herself wanting just a few minutes to slip into the bathroom and get herself off. It’s just the way Bernie was looking at her when Henrick was speaking about the trauma unit, she feels flushed just thinking about it.

 

She thinks this is the most stressed she has been in a long time, with Jason and Celia and the board and the trauma unit, but she just can't help the feeling that she needs an orgasm, maybe six. The ward is too busy though, she can't just slip into the bathroom, and she’d probably feel eternally guilty for masturbating in the hospital if she did, so she decides to wait until tonight, to wait until she gets home and can be in the comfort of her own bed.  
  
  
If she thought the looks Bernie was giving her in the trauma unit were bad, she has another thing coming. She thinks she might actually come in her pants, in the middle of Albie’s, with her nephew sitting next to her. Bernie must know exactly what she’s doing to her, exactly what reaction those looks she’s giving her over her glass of wine are getting. She’s so desperate to either drag Bernie into the bathroom and well and truly fuck her, or just drag her sorry arse there and get herself off.

 

“Now that was you Serena, I just, lit the touchpaper.” The way Bernie’s lips close around the words have her fighting to keep her hands to herself, and with Jason nagging to hurry up before the fish and chip shop closes she wants to scream, though out of arousal or something else she doesn’t fully know.

 

 

~

 

“I’ve got a bit of a headache Jason, I think I had a little too much wine, I’m off to bed,” she says, patting him on the shoulder as not to distract him too much from his episode of Countdown and his leftover chips.

She does not, however, have a headache. The only ache she has is the persistent throbbing of her clit. Once she’s up the stairs and in her bedroom with the door firmly shut, she wastes no time in shucking her clothes and slipping naked into bed. She’ll have to be quiet, Jason is just downstairs and it won’t be long before he too comes up for bed.

 

She half-expects to have to stroke herself wet, at least partly, but as she slides her fingers over her clit and through her folds she finds herself swollen and _soaking._ She feels eternally guilty for it, that she’s using Bernie, her best friend, in the way that she is, imagining her over her, in her, kissing her, touching her. But it’s the only thing that’s worked for the past few months. She’s tried fantasies about men, she’s tried erotic literature, she’s even, much to her distaste, tried porn. Nothing is getting her wet enough anymore other than thinking of Bernie.

 

She sinks three fingers deep into herself without hesitancy, curling them and arching her back at the delightful stretch. She imagines Bernie using her fingers on her, in her, and finds herself close to the edge. She imagines Bernie using her tongue on her, in her, and finds herself falling, _crashing,_ over the edge, bucking her hips and contracting around her fingers.

 

She keeps going with one hand inside of herself and brings the other one to her nipples and pinches hard, tugs them enough to make them stand to firm peaks and enough to make them hurt in the morning. She doesn’t care though, she’s chasing this next orgasm, it’s in reach, she’s _so close,_ she knows her clit, or at least her g-spot will be sore tomorrow, and the thought of the constant reminder of what she had done to herself the previous night while thinking of Bernie pushes her to come again, harder than the first, if she even thinks it’s possible.

 

 

She has thought of women a few times before. She has read lesbian erotica, has watched lesbian porn, has touched herself thinking of a woman her age, maybe Helen Mirren, or Nigella. She had never thought much of it, always passed it off as hormonal or desperateness for a partner, never taken it as seriously as she is now. Because now, she realises that she has a little more than a passing fancy on Bernie Wolfe.

 

 

**_three._  
**

Bernie kissed her. Berenice Wolfe had kissed her, and she had kissed her back. How should she feel about that? Its conflicting enough without the added knowledge that she’s been masturbating while thinking of Bernie for the past few months. She can feel that she’s wet, she knew as soon as she felt Bernie’s lips on hers for the first time she was wet. They were _so_ much better than she imagined, and she has imagined, done nothing but on her Wednesday nights alone. Bernie’s lips on hers were soft, perfect, _real._ Bernie’s lips on hers is something she decides she wants for the rest of her life.

 

With her head propped up on her left arm, water flowing down her back from the scorching shower, and her right moving frantically on her clit, she realises she is in love with her best friend. She comes, her legs shake and she can’t hold herself up anymore, she slips down the wall and sits on the floor of her shower, her eyes screwed shut as the water drips down her face.  

She so desperately wishes Bernie was here with her, that she hadn’t bolted the minute the next theatre team knocked on the door.

 

Her arousal dealt with, for now, she realises she is angry. She is _livid._ Bernie can't just kiss her like that and run away? Leaving her; and her underwear, a mess.

 

She wonders what it will be like, tomorrow, will she push Bernie against the door to their office and give her a piece of her mind? Will Bernie?

  
Stumbling blindly out of the shower and the bathroom, she aims to reach for the bottle of wine beside her bed, but picks up her vibrator instead and decides to get to work.

 

She likes it best when she’s sleeping; when she can dream of Bernie without the guilt that plagues her when she’s awake. Dream Bernie is in love with her, when she doesn’t know if real Bernie is. Dream Bernie touches her, kisses her, _fucks her, in_ the way that she longs for real Bernie to. Tonight, dream Bernie has pressed her into the sheets, is holding her hands above her head while she fucks her with a substantially sized trauma-blue strap-on. The leather of the harness is tight around her pert backside, and Serena longs to reach her hands down and tug it, encourage Bernie to fuck her harder. They are both grunting, grinding, panting, and Bernie is looking down at her through her sweat matted fringe as she drives Serena into a frenzy. She feels so wet, and she can hear it in the moments of quite between the noises they are both making. She’ll come like this, she knows she will, the flared base presses against her clit with each thrust and the rounded tip grazes her oversensitive g-spot.

 

She can tell Bernie is close too, her grunts are closer together and her eyes are screwed shut. If she’s learnt anything about dream Bernie it’s that she always lets Serena come first, come harder. Bernie prioritises her over her own pleasure, and the thought on its own almost tips Serena over the edge.

 

The thing that does, though, is when Bernie brings her thumb down to roll her clit, and the _finally_ constant pressure that she’s been craving is there, and she comes with a wail that she hopes Jason won’t hear.

 

When she wakes up, her hand is down her pants and there’s a wet patch under her hips. She can't shower, it’s some ungodly hour of the morning, and it would no doubt rouse suspicion with Jason, so she shuffles to the other side of the bed and goes back into a fitful sleep.

 

 

 

**_four._  **

 

She’s had too much wine. She had more than she should have when she was at the hospital, had more than she should have when she had gotten home. She feels she deserved it though, after Bernie had all but crushed all her hope of a relationship. Why hadn’t she been assertive? Why hadn’t she stood up and told Bernie the truth? She’s had no trouble telling people – _men –_ where to stick it in the past. She barely makes it through the door tonight, and although she feels guilty for doing it, especially since Bernie has now made it clear that there’s nothing between them, she shoves her hand down the front of her trousers as soon as the front door clicks shut. She’s lucky Jason is out, because this is _definitely_ not a position she wants her nephew to find her in. She can feel the alcohol and the pleasure making her dizzy, and decides to plant herself on the sofa to avoid the possibility of an embarrassing drunken-horny injury.

 

She’ll probably regret it in the morning, when her back is stiff and she finds she can't ever look at her couch the same way again. Tonight, she is too drunk to care though, and she finds she hardly even cares about the guilty feeling that comes after thinking of Bernie when she touches herself. She unabashedly imagines Bernie fucking her, as she fucks herself, imagines Bernie using her mouth to bring her over the edge as she rubs her own clit, imagines Bernie using her fingers, or a toy, to fuck her six ways from Sunday.

 

She imagines Bernie’s tongue making small circles of her clit as her fingers glide inside her, as she brings herself closer and closer to orgasm. “Fuck, Bernie.” She grimaces as she clenches around her own fingers, as she comes, hard, but thankfully not hard enough to leave a mark on the sofa.  

 

She’s sated enough for now, so she makes her way into the kitchen to satisfy her ravenous hunger. She’s hoping food will help to contradict the effect drinking on an empty stomach has on her, too. She looks out at the stars as she tosses the vegetables in the pan. It’s dark, but the stars are bright in the clear sky. If she knew what she was looking for, she might be able to find _Coma Berenices,_ but Jason had only mentioned it in passing and she reminds herself to look it up later.

 

After dinner, she tucks herself under the duvet and closes her eyes, trailing a hand down her sternum, then through the course hair at the crux of her thighs. She decides she can handle teasing for a while, and moves her hands back up her chest to graze over her breasts, pinching her nipples. She lets out a shaky breath as she twists the hardening buds under her fingers; she’s always liked lovers doing this, remembers asking for it during foreplay, or doing it herself if they were, otherwise occupied. She can't help imagining what it would feel like to have Bernie do this to her, to do it to Bernie, and the thought heightens her almost painful, and persistent, arousal.

 

She just can't resist anymore, so slides her hand down and sinks three fingers into herself. Her wrist already aches from earlier, and she knows it’ll be worse in the morning, but the way her palm presses against her clit as she curls her fingers inside herself makes her think that it’s worth it.

 

She _so_ wishes Bernie could be doing this to her, _so_ wishes she could do this to Bernie. She knows now that Bernie doesn’t want her, that Bernie doesn’t like her the way she likes Bernie, and it makes it so much worse now that she can't stop thinking about her, her hair, her eyes, _her lips._ Thinking about Bernie’s lips is something Serena will spend the rest of her life doing, even if she can never feel them against her own again. She doesn’t realise she’s about to come until her hips start bucking and her body starts to shake, she was too caught up in thoughts of Bernie to realise how close she was.

 

She still feels a little drunk as she tries to fall asleep, though whether on the images of Bernie, _naked,_ or the alcohol, she doesn’t know.

 

 

 

_**five.** _

She thought that getting drunk with Robbie would be a good idea, thought that taking him home would be a good idea, but as he ruts above her she finds herself wanting to run into the bathroom and throw up her dinner. She used to like him, she used to _love_ him _,_ and he used to make her feel satisfied. But now she can't help but resent herself for calling him. She feels a prang of guilt because she is still thinking of Bernie, even now, even when she’s in bloody Ukraine, even when Robbie is doing his very best to hold himself back so she can, _maybe,_ get close to coming. She knows there’s no way she will though, he just isn’t _listening,_ and no matter how many times she asks him to rub her clit he just won’t.

 

She fakes it, in the end. She feels a little guilty, as she screws her eyes and clenches her muscles a little, arching her back in what she hopes will fool him into thinking she’s come. She didn’t used to care, but as she feels him come inside of her she feels her stomach churn, the thought of how Bernie would be _so much better_ stuck in her head.

 

She doesn’t vomit, but she comes close. Presses her head against the cool tile of the bathroom wall and feels tears drip down her face. She just wants Bernie, she just wants Bernie to hold her, kiss her, _love her_.

 

Robbie is snoring next to her, and she feels like bursting into tears again. She’s sure Bernie wouldn’t snore, is sure Bernie would be perfect in all ways when there’d be a bed involved. She gives up on trying to sleep and goes back into the bathroom, turns the shower on and steps into the spray. It’s scorching, and it almost hurts, but she feels the desperate need to wash off the smell of Robbie. She hears him stop snoring and then his heavy footsteps, hears the bathroom door open and he steps into the steamy room, still naked.

 

“You okay?” He says, and she considers herself lucky he had come in now, because she was about to detach her showerhead and take care of what he hadn’t.

 

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep, is all,” she says, turning her body slightly to cover herself, even though the steam on the glass surrounding the shower should make her a blur to anyone in the room.

 

“You need help in there?” She can hear the smirk in his voice, can hear what he is insinuating. She is sure she would have been happy, delighted, even, if he had done this a few months ago, but she is sober now, and in love with someone else, and she doesn’t want to have shit sex twice in one night.

 

“I'm okay, thanks, be out in a mo’.” She prays he won’t push, won’t say something to do with her hormones, or how much she seemed to be enjoying herself before. Luckily, she hears him agree and then plod out of the bathroom, hears him slide back into her bed and then hears him start snoring again. She won’t regret tonight, what she did with him, what she used him for, because as bad as it was – _as he was –_ she now knows she won’t settle for anyone but Bernie Wolfe.

 

As her ex-boyfriend-turned-one-night-stand sleeps in the next room, she moves the shower head to the crux of her thighs and shakes as she brings herself to orgasm.

 

 

_**+1** _

Bernie pushes her up against her front door as soon as they’re through. As much as she doesn’t want to be thinking of Fletch right now; with Bernie’s lips _finally_ crashing against her own, she silently thanks him and Raf for opting to take Jason out to trivia for the night. They won’t be dropping him home until late, and its only seven, which means Bernie and her have at least three hours; three _delicious_ hours that they can spend in bed together, or maybe on the sofa, or against the kitchen bench…

 

Bernie’s groan as she reaches behind Serena and squeezes her backside brings her out of that frankly _lovely_ train of thought, and she responds by attempting to manoeuvre them out of the hallway and towards the stairs.

 

“Fucking hell Bernie,” she whispers against Bernie’s lips as they continue their assault on her mouth, down her neck, then back up and across her jaw to suck an earlobe into her mouth. “Just let me-” She struggles to break away enough to slip Bernie’s shirt over her head, but Bernie gets what she’s trying to do and shucks it, then does the same to Serena until they are left standing halfway up the stairs in their trousers and bras. “Come on.” She takes Bernie’s hand, leading her up the rest of the way and into her bedroom. She’s glad she made the bed this morning, glad she cleaned up the wine stain on the carpet next to the bed, glad she remembered to put her vibrator away after her _eventful_ dream earlier that morning. _Maybe we might use that later,_ she thinks, imagining pumping the soft silicone into Bernie as she eats her out.

 

She only just registers that Bernie is unbuttoning and then unzipping her trousers, only just registers her own hands doing the same to Bernie’s impossibly tight jeans and slipping them down her legs.

 

“I knew it,” Bernie says, face bright with mirth as she takes in the sight of Serena in her matching lacy underwear. “Planning this, were you?”

 

“I can’t say I wasn’t hoping.”

 

“Maybe I’ll have to come home from foreign countries and snog you more often, then, if this is what you reward me with.”

 

“Let’s see what you’ve got first,” Serena says, then finds herself pushed down onto the bed with Bernie looming above her. She leans up to kiss her, and Bernie slips her hands underneath her back to unclasp her bra. Serena does the same to Bernie, and then tugs her to lie fully on top of her, enjoying the feel of a softer body on hers, smoother in places than she’s used to, with men. She groans a little when she feels their nipples brush, and feels silly for forgetting for a moment that Bernie has _breasts._

She’s always liked breasts, has spent a great deal of time touching her own, and they had always been something she’d envied about older girls whilst growing up. Bernie’s are smaller than hers, but as she brings her hands up to knead them, her thumbs sweeping her nipples, she finds she doesn’t care in the slightest. They are soft and warm in her hands, and the mews that her touch are bringing out of Bernie are nothing short of exquisite.

 

“That’s so good,” Bernie whispers, bringing her own hands up to touch Serena’s breasts and pinching her nipples a few times. “These now?” she asks, slipping her fingers into the waistband of Serena’s lacy pants and tugging them down when Serena nods. The first brush of her knuckles against Serena’s bush feels just as good to her as it does to Serena; who keens and bucks her hips at the feint touch. Bernie longs to slide down and bury her face between Serena’s creamy white thighs, but Serena is panting and she knows it won’t take her long, and she wants the first time she uses her mouth on Serena, _that_ way, to last.

 

Serena is so desperate, her clit throbbing insistently, and she’s so tempted to slip her hand down and touch herself, to see the look on Bernie’s face as she watches her bring herself off. But just as her hand brushes down her stomach and towards her mons, Bernie sinks two fingers into her, deep. She cries out and her hips buck, her head thumping back onto the pillow, it _so_ good, by far better than her own fingers, and with the slightest curl of Bernie’s fingers she cries out again. She knows she won’t last much longer, knows that it won’t take much effort from Bernie to tease more than one orgasm out of her, knows that Bernie could keep her coming and coming all night long if she wanted to.

 

Bernie does have to work her there a little, though; she spends a while pumping her fingers in and out, then starts to curl them intermittently when they’re knuckle deep inside Serena. The final push Serena needs is when Bernie presses her palm against her clit, rubbing it deliciously as she drives her fingers into Serena.  
  
Serena doesn’t think she’s come so hard in her life, and she loses track of the number of orgasms she’s had by the time Bernie pulls out of her. Bernie’s the first lover to not stop at one, the first lover to just _get_ what she needed, how fast, how hard, when. When she does come back to herself, she looks down to see Bernie grinding softly against her thigh, her eyes screwed shut and her fingers pinching her own nipples.

 

“Well hello,” Serena says, her voice warm. Bernie stops and smiles a little, then leans down to kiss Serena. Serena tastes herself on Bernie’s lips, and she realises that Bernie must have _licked_ her fingers clean. “S’okay, keep going if it feels good.” Bernie nods and starts to move again, and Serena can feel Bernie’s wetness gathering on her thigh. She wants Bernie to come, to enjoy their first time, but she also desperately wants to touch Bernie, to feel her come around her fingers, on them. She reaches down and starts to thumb Bernie’s clit, feeling the rhythm of her hips stutter, her breathing becoming increasingly erratic. Serena didn’t realise just how keyed up Bernie was.

 

“Shit, I’m going to-” She’s cut off by a loud moan as she comes, coating Serena’s fingers and her thigh with a flood of wetness. She rides out the orgasm, continuing to grind down on Serena’s thigh as the waves of pleasure roll through her.

“Oh gosh,” she says when she looks down at the mess she’s made of Serena’s – no doubt very high quality – sheets. “That’s only happened a few times before, oh gosh, I’m so sorry,” she rambles, but when she looks down at Serena she is smiling that glowing smile, and she returns it apologetically.

 

“That’s certainly interesting,” Serena says, “It’s okay, I don’t mind, it happens to me sometimes, too.” She remembers the first night she thought of Bernie while she touched herself, remembers that this happened on her second orgasm that night. Bernie huffs out a small laugh and flops down beside her on the bed, cringing when she rests her hip in the – _puddle?!,_ she thinks _–_ of wetness. “Here, why don’t you go and get us some water and I’ll do the sheets,” Serena says, kissing Bernie lightly before sauntering her way across the bedroom and out to the landing. She’s still naked, and Bernie takes a moment to appreciate the sway of her hips before getting out of bed herself. She can't quite resist it as she passes Serena on the way down to the kitchen, so pats the bare arse on show as Serena reaches for the fresh sheet.

 

~

 

Serena wakes up with the glorious knowledge of what her and Bernie did last night, but realises when she properly wakes that Bernie isn’t beside her, but under the covers, delicately stroking her swollen clit with just the tips of her fingers. She shifts her hips a little and rolls onto her back to give Bernie more room, spreading her legs and opening herself up for her. She isn’t expecting it, and starts at the first press of Bernie’s tongue. She’s had men go down on her before, she’s come from men going down on her before, but the feeling of smooth cheeks pressed against her is delightful, and as Bernie sweeps the wetness gathering at her entrance up to her clit, she decides that Bernie’s mouth is by far the best she’s had on her. She groans and throws the duvet off of them both, and she can now see Bernie’s smug eyes, filled with mirth, and _love,_ gazing up at her from between her thighs.

 

“Is this okay?” Bernie asks, leaning her head to the side and spreading Serena with her fingers. Serena nods and her eyes roll back as Bernie probes her entrance with her tongue, pushing in as far as she can and bumping her clit with her nose, before replacing it with her fingers and focusing her tongue on Serena’s clit. She swirls around it, then lays her tongue flat on it and moves back and forth, mimicking what she would do to herself with her own fingers, what she imagines Serena might do to herself. When Serena mews and bucks her hips more incessantly, she sucks the nub into her mouth and flicks the tip with the tip of her tongue, curling her fingers at the same time. Serena comes and she feels her clench hard around her fingers, feels her clit twitch and throb in her mouth. She continues to slowly massage Serena’s swollen folds with her tongue after she comes, until Serena reaches down and tugs at her head, encouraging her to slide up the bed and cuddle up next to her. Serena kisses her slowly, tongue sweeping the taste of herself around Bernie’s mouth.

 

“Good morning to you too,” she says, growling as she pushes Bernie onto her back and straddles her, deciding to show her just what a good morning it is.


	2. sin from my lips? give me my sin again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I’d like to apologise for the length of this compared to the first chapter. Serena’s chapter had 5+1 and Bernie’s only gets 3+1, because I’ve been really struggling with inspiration and motivation at the moment and its taken me a good few months to just get this out. It’s nothing to do with the fact that it’s Bernie, because if it had been written the other way round it would have been the same. Thank you for reading, I’m sorry this took so long. 
> 
>  
> 
> There are a bunch of people who supported me when I was writing this and were amazing in their encouragement and their generous words. There is seriously quite a few of them, but I'd most of all like to thank Jaymie (berniexserena) and Libby (libstar) for getting me to write this. (Also thank you to my incredible beta (drizzlybear))

**_one._ **

 

Bernie only starts masturbating again after a few months of being with Marcus. He can barely keep her hands off her those first few months, but the novelty starts to wear off and after a while she finds she can no longer take her clothes off to stop him asking commitment-orientated questions all the time. The way he looks at her sparks fear within her. She knows he wants a wife, kids, a family, and she can only hope he maybe doesn’t want them with _her._

 

The sex between them is probably the best she’s had with a man. She would say it’s the best she’s had altogether if she hadn’t have slept with her best friend in their first year of university. Marcus doesn’t know that though, he thinks he’s her first. Because of this he’s lovely and caring in bed, checks in with her to make sure it’s okay, that she’s okay. _‘Slowly? Does this feel alright? I wouldn’t want to hurt you, Bern.’_ She nods, screws her face up and moans in what she thinks is pleasure, what she’s been told should be pleasure. He asks if she needs more, if she needs anything different, she nods and brings her own hand down to massage her clit, finally feeling what she _knows_ is pleasure. Sex with Marcus is good, but sometimes she wishes she had never slept with Claire, because at the back of her mind she knows it could always be better.  

 

When things slow down between them on the intimacy front, Bernie rediscovers her love of touching herself. Despite the guilt she feels, she doesn’t imagine Marcus, doesn’t imagine the man who is her boyfriend, who she moderately enjoys having sex with. She imagines Claire, imagines her flowing red hair and green-tinged eyes. Imagines the way _Claire_ touched her, the way she touched Claire. It’s heavenly, and even with Marcus in the next room or next to her on the bed she can't stop herself always thinking of her.

 

She drops her keys and handbag down onto her desk. Sighs, and flops her lanky frame onto her bed. Med school is hard, even without the constant judgemental looks and comments from her male counterparts, all except Marcus. He used to be her best friend, but now they kiss and sleep together and Marcus tells her he loves her. He’s out for the night, drinking with some of his friends at the local, and she’s grateful to have the bed to herself. She hopes she might be able to touch herself, make herself come, without the guilt she feels when Marcus is in. She knows he keeps a porn mag in his dresser, he knows she keeps some lube and a vibrator in hers.

 

She leans over and grabs her trusty bullet, slicks her fingers with some lube and slides her right hand down into her pants. She’s still wearing her jeans, and the tightness, despite the sore wrist she’ll have in the morning, just adds to the sensation. She’s wetter than she thought she would be, and she turns her head and gasps into the pillow as she rubs her clit in earnest. It never takes her as long by herself as it does with Marcus, and before she’s even had a chance to make use of the vibrator, she’s coming, fingers on her clit stuttering in their movements as her body jerks.

 

The thought of Claire – what they had done together, how she had known just the right spots, where to swirl her tongue, her fingers – has her reaching for the bullet and pressing it hard against her clit, already so close to her second orgasm of the night. She comes with Claire’s name on her lips, and when Marcus comes in later and curls himself around her she feels sick with guilt.

 

She doesn’t let him make love to her for three weeks.

 

 

**_two._ **

 

Sometimes, now, Bernie dreads coming home from a tour. She dreads the quiet and the domesticity and the empty days. She dreads her husband, most of all. She loves him, but she’s never really been in love with him, and now that the kids have moved out she sees even less reason to pretend she does. She has to, though, because the way he looks at her, the way he smiles at her, the way he tells her he loves her, makes her feel eternally guilty for what she’s done with Alex, for how she feels.

 

She gets home and he’s waiting for her in the hallway, the smell of what she thinks is her favourite pasta wafting from the kitchen. He’s leaning against the study door smiling that sweet smile that always wreaks havoc with her conscience.

 

“Hello, you,” he says, walking over to her to ease her duffel onto the floor and wrap himself around her lanky frame, pressing a kiss to her neck and hugging her close. “How are you?”

 

“I'm really good,” she says, almost sincerely, because she's been more sated recently than in her whole life, thanks to Alex. She pulls out of the hug and he leans in to kiss her, the stubble grazing her cheeks, and she can only inwardly cringe at how that will no doubt feel later, on her thighs or her chest, when he wants to have sex.

 

She's not as tired as she normally is when she gets home from tour, she has been sleeping better recently (Alex, again) and she almost wishes she was tireder, for the excuse to go and sleep for a few days and postpone the inevitable sex Marcus will want to have. It’s not that she doesn’t _want_ to have sex with him, it’s just that she not only knows there’s so much better, but she feels dirty for what she's done with Alex, how Alex had touched her in a way her husband never had. She feels like how she used to feel about Claire.

 

Marcus has cooked her favourite meal and been so lovely she just can't resist the plea in his eyes. The kids will be over tomorrow and it will only work out worse for the two of them if he thinks she doesn’t want him anymore. She lets him take her hand and lead her into their bedroom and gently strip her down, lets him lave kisses to the exposed skin of her breasts and stomach as he lays her down on the bed. His fingers are considerably bigger than Alex’s, or her own, and he lacks the delicacy and thoroughness that she's grown used to recently.

 

He has to stroke her wet and she feels guilty. It’s never happened before, she’s never found it that hard to either genuinely be turned on or make herself wet by thinking briefly of women.

 

“Sorry,” she breathes, and Marcus makes her feel worse by being lovely about it, by leaning down to kiss the apology from her lips, keeps gently stroking her clit until she's wet enough to take him.

 

He lines himself up and slowly pushes in, breathes heavily and slowly begins to pump. It’s not unpleasant, not uncomfortable, but she knows there’s no way she’ll come like this. She brings her own hand down between them and rolls her clit between her middle and forefinger, the pressure on both sides making her shiver. Occasionally Marcus aims just right and hits her g-spot, evoking a gasp from her. Soon they’re both rutting against each other and although he comes first, she still manages to get herself there and comes with him resting inside her. It’s a modicum of the relief she craves, she's become so used to multiple, close together, because Alex hadn’t stopped after just one. 

 

She ends up with a hand down her pyjamas after Marcus has gone to sleep, with two fingers making circles either side of her clit. She was wet to start with, only needs to think of Alex as she nears the edge. The pressure that only her own fingers provide is heavenly, a delicious feeling that encompasses her whole body, even before she comes.

 

When she does come, she has to muffle her pants and whimpers into her pillow as not to wake her sleeping husband.

 

 

 

**_three._ **

 

Serena Campbell becomes a recurring theme in Bernie’s fantasies when she's at Holby, the brunette taking up her thoughts more often than not when she's not busy with work. It’s only when she moves to AAU and Serena accepts her as a friendly face that she starts to realise her attraction runs deeper than she thought. The way Serena smiles at her in the morning makes her heart flutter and her fingers tingle, makes her feel special, as if that smile is reserved just for _her._ The way Serena hums as she takes her first sip of coffee makes Bernie’s stomach flip, makes her thighs clench as she struggles not to imagine eliciting that same moan from Serena in a _very_ different situation. It feels like Serena knows what she's doing, knows exactly the effect these moans and looks have on Bernie, it feels like Serena does it to see how far she can push before Bernie breaks and pushes her up against the filing cabinet and fucks her into next week.

 

Serena glows with happiness and her cheeks are flushed from the Shiraz. Bernie doesn’t think she's ever seen anyone so beautiful, but Jason is with them, and they’re just friends, she shouldn’t be thinking of Serena like that. It’s hard, though, because despite the horrible day they’ve all had with Celia’s accident and Serena resigning from the board, Bernie feels her chest lurch as Serena smiles at her over her wine glass. It’s not the same smile, but similar to the one that accompanies the moan that comes with the morning coffee, and Bernie thinks that maybe her feelings towards Serena aren’t so unrequited after all.

 

When she gets home she pours herself a few fingers of whiskey, gets herself tipsy with the alcohol and the hope that Serena maybe likes her back, that maybe Serena thinks of her the same way Bernie does when she's alone after a trying day.

 

She gets into bed a little wobbly, pulls off her jeans under the duvet and wriggles out of her shirt and bra, palming her breast as soon as it’s exposed to the cool air. Her nipple pebbles from the chill and the attention from her fingers, and she imagines Serena’s fingers are her own, sure Serena’s skilled surgeon’s hands would make up for her inexperience with women. She imagines Serena wrapping her lips around a nipple and grazing it with her teeth, feels her breathing become harsher as the image of a naked Serena laving her tongue around the bud fills her head.

 

She brings her left hand up to continue rolling her nipple and palming her breast, and slips her right between her thighs. She knew she’d be wet, has been wet ever since Serena looked at her _that_ way in Albie’s. She’s so wet though, and she can hear it as she rolls her fingers over her clit, making small circles that make her whimper and crave more. She slips a finger into herself then brings it back to her clit, the added wetness heightening the sensation of the already oversensitive bud. She rolls her clit between her middle and index finger, and clenches her thighs as she feels her orgasm building. She imagines Serena lying next to her, Serena’s fingers working between her legs and her own toying with Serena’s breasts. Then she thinks about Serena sinking down between her thighs and the first press of tongue against her. She comes with Serena’s name on her lips and it’s the longest orgasm she's had, is still twitching a several minutes later when the guilt starts to set in.

 

She has no idea that across town, Serena is on her second orgasm of the night, also thinking of her co-lead.

 

 

 

****_+1_ __  
  


For the first time in her life, Bernie enjoys relinquishing control. She doesn’t think she could do it with anyone other than Serena, hasn’t, so knows she couldn’t have. Serena ties her up and fucks her so hard her head spins and her ears start ringing. Serena ties her up and kneels either side of her head and orders her to eat her out. Serena ties her up and for the first time in her life Bernie feels completely satisfied, completely loved.

First, though, Serena lays her down and spreads her wide, admiring Bernie from this exclusive view. This view that she will remember every time she looks at her over the ward, in their office, at Albie’s.

 

Bernie gasps as Serena presses her tongue flat against her outer labia and swipes, swears when Serena stops short of her clit and goes back to the bottom to start again, bucks her hips when Serena spreads her further with her tongue.

 

“You alright up there?” She asks, and Bernie decides she will definitely scream in a minute if Serena doesn’t fuck her right now.

 

“I’d be better if you’d just _fucked me,”_ she says, not too sweetly, and she can see the shift in Serena, sees her taking it as a challenge, as something she will do over and over for the rest of her life. Serena keeps her eyes locked with Bernie’s as she slips in one, then two, then three fingers. Rests them perfectly inside as Bernie’s head hits the pillow with a resounding thump. She curls them as she swipes her tongue _(finally)_ over Bernie’s clit and Bernie whimpers and shifts her hips in an effort to take Serena more, harder, _deeper_. Serena may not have spent her whole life practicing the delicate strokes of her tongue like she’s pretty sure Alex had, may not have had as much experience as Bernie, but she makes up for it all in overwhelming enthusiasm. She licks around Bernie’s clit and pumps her fingers in time with her strokes, until Bernie is contracting around her fingers and coming, her body shaking as Serena works her through it.

 

Serena runs a bath and helps Bernie on wobbly legs to walk into the bathroom, settles her in the soothing water as she strips off herself. When she’s naked she turns around to find Bernie looking up at her, her eyes dark and the desire still evident.

 

“Just a quick rest,” she says as she slips in behind her, pulling Bernie back to rest against her front.

 

“I don’t want one.” The words slip from Bernie’s mouth before she can stop them, and she blushes at the raw desire. Serena hums from behind her and starts pressing kisses to the sides of her neck, trailing them down across her shoulders then up to her earlobes. While her mouth is busy, she occupies her hands with Bernie’s breasts, reaching round to tug and roll her nipples gently between her thumb and forefinger. Bernie mewls and shifts her hips, settling back further to grind her arse into Serena, who chuckles and trails a hand lightly down Bernie’s stomach.

 

The water makes a delicious friction and Serena can't help herself. Bernie just looks so beautiful when she comes and she decides she needs to see it again. She brushes the tips of her fingers over Bernie’s clit and the blonde whimpers, shifts her hips again. She’s still sensitive from earlier, and she knows from experience her second never takes as long as the first. Serena’s delicate fingers start to circle her clit again, and Bernie spreads her legs as far as the tub will allow, granting Serena’s fingers as much room as they please. She hasn’t ever had sex in the bath before, has masturbated, but sex with Marcus in such a confined space hadn’t ever had the appeal it now does with Serena.

 

Serena works her higher and higher until she's clutching the sides of the bath and shuddering, feeling a gush of fresh wetness even in the now-lukewarm water. She feels Serena placing gentle kisses on the backs of her shoulders as she calms, twists her head around despite the strain to capture Serena’s lips between her own. She has no intention of taking it further, doesn’t think her body could manage another orgasm at her age. She does plan to show Serena just how much she enjoyed it though, and rolls her body over so she's pressed chest to chest against her. Their nipples brush and Serena shudders, keens as Bernie trails her hand down between them to slip a finger inside Serena. Bernie starts to move gently, curling her finger when it’s knuckle deep inside Serena. The cool water sloshes around them and Serena tilts her head back against the rim of the bath.

 

It’ll hurt her wrist later, but she bends her thumb and massages Serena’s clit with the knuckle as she thrusts her finger. Serena groans and opens her legs as wide as the bath allows, and Bernie starts laving kisses on her flushed chest. She can't quite reach Serena’s nipple with her mouth, but she knows how much Serena likes having her breasts touched.

“Touch yourself,” she says, “Your nipples, touch them.” Serena’s eyes widen and her hands come up to cup her own breasts, fingers tweaking her nipples in tandem with Bernie’s thrusts. Their combined effort means that within a few minutes Serena is writhing around in the tub and coming.

 

Later, when they are still sated and swollen and a little sore, Bernie rolls over and smiles at Serena.

 

“T’was a good day,” she says.

 

“You were pretty good, too,” Serena says. Bernie loves her with every fibre of her being.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. As always, comments make my day :)


	3. she is beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; she is a woman, and therefore to be won

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They do it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who came along on this rollercoaster! I'm really not fully happy with this chapter, and I seriously apologise for the length (or the lack thereof) but I really hope you enjoy it, and that it wraps this up. I don't plan to write any more of this, but if someone comes up with a good suggestion I might consider it.

Serena is away at a conference when it happens. When Alex is waiting for Bernie at her car after her shift has finished. Bernie catches a glimpse of her and turns straight back into the hospital, goes to the nearest bathroom and locks herself in. She’s not ready to confront Alex; they haven’t seen or talked to each other since Alex was working a shift at the hospital. Alex, however, has other plans, because then next thing Bernie knows she hears a knock on her cubicle and the familiar voice calling her name.

“I know you’re in there Bern, I just want to talk.” Alex is gently rapping on the door that Bernie has her back pressed up against. She turns around and flicks the lock, opening the door and looking out at the face of the woman she once loved.

“Alex please, I’m happy, I’m with someone, I'm in love,” she says, and doesn’t see the fall in Alex’s face that she expected. Instead, Alex smiles tightly, nodding her head gently.

“I know Bern, I'm not here to get you back.” A wave of relief washes over Bernie, relief that she won’t have to fight the woman off, that she won’t have to find reasons to dislike or even hate Alex. They go for a drink, at Albie’s, because Bernie doesn’t want it to be even the slightest bit intimate, and they talk, about the army, about Alex’s new girlfriend and about Serena. Bernie feels odd talking to an ex about her current partner, but Alex is one of two people that truly understands Bernie in this way, and the other is in America for a few weeks doing alumni lectures at Harvard.

 

~

 

Bernie gets home to two messages on the answering machine from Serena. The first is breathy and Serena sounds worried. Bernie notices it in the first few words.

_‘Hi Bernie, it must be around eight there, I hope you’re having a good night. Fletch told me he saw you having a drink with Alex, is, is it, oh goodness. Call me please.’_ Bernie’s heart clenches and she realises what it all looks like. After the initial awkwardness her and Alex had got along, were laughing and smiling and Bernie realises what Fletch must have thought. She’s about to go to the next message when she hears a short exhale and then: _‘I love you, Bernie.’_ She closes her eyes and thumps her head against the wall, when the next message starts to play.

_‘Me again. I hope you get this, I hope everything isn’t what it might look like. I never realised how terribly jealous I could be, I love you, call me, please.’_ Bernie notices a different breathiness to the first message, and realises the time stamp is only a matter of minutes before she walked through the door.

She doesn’t give another thought to the breathiness of Serena’s voice until Serena is on the other end of the phone, breath harsh as Bernie stands in the hallway, somewhat shell-shocked. Because Serena is jealous, and after Bernie has reassured and promised her that Alex was irrelevant, and that she is entirely Serena’s, Serena tells her how turned on she is, how much knowing Bernie is hers makes her wet, and that Bernie has no other option than to help her take care of it. And in truth, Bernie does have no other option, because Serena is breathing harshly down the phone and telling Bernie all the things she wants to do to her, have done to her, and what she’s doing to herself now as she thinks of all these things.

 

 

~

 

 

“What we did the other night…” Bernie says quietly to Serena’s voicemail, “Well, what you did, and I just listened to.” She’s almost glad Serena didn’t answer. It gives her the non-judgemental silence to confess her desires to, not that Serena would be judgemental, given she started it last time. “Could we do it again? Maybe? With a bit more involvement on my part?”

When Serena calls her back it’s hours later, after Bernie had convinced herself the message hadn’t got through, or that Serena’s too busy at Harvard to listen to it.

“Hello, yup, hello,” she says righting herself and flushing a particularly deep shade of red.

“Now not a good time?” Serena asks, and Bernie can practically hear the smirk in her voice and _knows_ she’s been caught out. Because this time it’s her that was breathy when she answered.

“Nope, fine, I was just –”

“Pre-occupied?” Serena cuts her off, the implication of her words making Bernie flush deeper. “Tell me? Your message was _incredibly_ interesting.”

“I-I’m not, I haven’t really done any of this before,” Bernie confesses, tries to tell Serena indirectly that she’d like for her to start this, to get it going.

“Okay, well, you might like to know that I'm lying in bed, with a hand up my shirt, and not much other clothing on,” Serena says, her voice low and awfully inviting. “And I'm thinking about you, the night before I left, what you did to me, and about what I think you did to yourself after my little display on the phone the other night.” Serena’s brazen confidence is catching, and Bernie finds herself willing to do anything for this woman. “What about you, darling?”

“I'm, um, I'm in our bed, with nothing on, and when you called I was looking at that picture you sent me yesterday, and I was touching myself,” she says, her voice not as strong as she’d like it to be; the combination of arousal and her slight lack of confidence to blame. “God Serena, that picture.”

“I want you to do something for me, Bernie, I want you to touch yourself again.”

“I am, I am. Are you?” Bernie says, her hand returning to where thinking of Serena has made her sticky and swollen and hot and wet.  

“Yes,” Serena breathes, and her tone just heightens Bernie’s arousal because it’s the same tone she uses when Bernie has her head buried between her thighs, or when Bernie is kissing her deeply as she rolls her clit. Bernie doesn’t know how to tell Serena she’s thinking of all these things, of how she tastes and feels, but for the first time that night, she feels brave.

“I'm thinking,” she has to pause for breath. She was _so_ close when Serena rang that it hasn’t taken her long to get back there. “Oh god, I'm thinking about when we have sex, and I'm thinking about how good you feel, god Serena.”

“Me too Bernie, god, I'm close, are you? Please tell me you are,” Serena says, and Bernie breathes a harsh affirmative down the phone, and Serena proceeds to tell Bernie exactly what she wants to do to her, _with her_ , when she gets back home, and then Bernie starts panting and groaning and Serena can see it in her mind and hear it down the phone and then she’s following, shaking and moaning until the waves of pleasure subside.

There’s silence for a while, then, because they’re not so young as they used to be and they need a little time to recover, to piece themselves back together.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Bernie, I love you,” Serena says. Because she is coming home tomorrow and they will both get to live up to the promises they made tonight.

“I love you too. I’ll see you at the airport.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, comments and kudos always make my day. :)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed! (comments most welcome)


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